Coach and Coachee Tension

In my engagement with my clients, there is almost always a period where there is tension. The cause of the tension can be from multiple sources. In my view, there are two main sources. The tension usually emerges after the initial engagement or what I like to call “the honeymoon period”. Most clients are initially excited about the prospect of the change that they think that I can help them with. They think that I can give them answers that they could not come up with themselves based on my wisdom and experience.

Of course, the relevant experience that I bring to the table in the relationship is my coaching experience. I rarely bring any subject matter expertise about the client’s industry or job function. So the tension emerges from the client’s misunderstanding of what coaching is. If this is the source of the tension, my shortcoming at that point is usually that I was unable to properly explain the nature of coaching to the client.

Another source of tension between the client and I is the work related to the change that the client engaged me to help him with. The destination is appealing to the client, but when there is ambiguity in our thinking during the coaching process, he gets frustrated. This situation usually emerges when we are exploring options and the client wants to jump to solutions. In fact, a lot of the time, I also get frustrated with the ambiguity and start to get tense.

In my view, this tension is unavoidable most of the time. In order to mitigate the risk of damaging the relationship with the client at these sensitive stages, I warn the client of the imminent tension ahead of time. This manages both of our expectations and reduces the feeling of uncertainty in the relationship. However, it does not avoid the inevitable; meaningful change comes with work, which is pleasurable, satisfying and at the same time, uncomfortable.